On the brink

This looks and sounds absurd, i know. that is precisely the reason why this mail never reached your inbox . i am keeping this in my drafts so that if something happens to me i want you to know this. but if nothing happens to me then life goes on as it is; a series of dramas and undercurrents and purposefully mis-represented sentiments. the mask lives on. whew, it is difficult to put things in to words especially trying to express emotions that you have always learned to suppress. ok i dont seem like i can go ahead. so let me come to the history of writing this up. i got up today morning all decided to go to Bombay to attend my friend's sister's wedding. I was about to call up the rest of the gang to confirm whether they are going, when I got a call from my mother. She said she had a bad dream where i was in a horrific accident. well, bad timing for a bad dream, now i cant ask her about the trip. but it anyways got me thinking. suddenly the fear of death is so tangible, that i can almost feel it. so i am yet undecided whether to go or not, whether to tell and go or not etc,etc.. that brings me back to the point at hand, what i have this excessive compulsion to tell you..here we go .. deep breath. wow.. this is a mail which will not leave my drafts till my death and i still cant bring myself to tell it. how old school can things be.. i mean a person be? yeah so the point we are revolving around or rather beating around the bush is the fact that, i really really think that yuo are an awesome person! i wont use back space even though all the muscles in my body are screaming 'silly, silly,silly'.. i knowe i haven't said anything mind blowing or substantial.. well it wasn't even what i intended to say.. i may act nasty and rude to you, i always have the 'i dont care' attitude when you are around, its just that i am afraid to show what i really feel for you. i am afraid of rejection and ridicule and not only that, i dont believe myself to be strong enough to go ahead with whatever commitments that will come with saying it out loud. also i am not sure you will stand by the end. but that doesn't take away the fact that a big chunk of everyday of me revolves around you. i know if you ever come across this, it will make you laugh but i also know that it is very evident at times at least for the people around. well, you know what, i cant help it. it just happens. so coming back to the narrative i really crave for you at times, your physical presence. there were times when i wished so desperately that you would just lean in and kiss me, or i could put my head on your shoulder, or get a tight hug.. but then when we see each other, i dont know, where to, all this feelings evaporates. sometimes the smell of your cologne is so enticing, so is the sight of your face. maybe i keep pushing you away because i dont know what will happen if i let you closer. i like to be in control. well, i think i am rambling.. all i want to say is, i wish you had kissed me, i wish there was a warm hug. Guess I wanted, to feel wanted.. i wish you had just pushed it a bit..

do i hav to add, 'ps: i love you'? i dont know because if it was that, would i have cared of consequences?? but i would say, i care for you.. a lot ..