24th birthday.
yesterday i turned 24 and i realized that day by day i am turning sourer and sourer.
is it life itself or is it the people around me that is making me this way i do not know.
the fact is that i am turning more and more into a selfish attention seeker.
being called both Shakuni and also trickster i wonder if there is any truth in all of it.
i do realize that i infuriate and irritate and suffocate people but then people do the same to me.
is it because i am expecting the wrong things from the wrong people or is it because my expectations are generally too high
or am i so humanly unsatisfiable or is it happening in constant striving to satisfy everybody? i do not know.
i realize that in my life i have reached a point where i need to sober down a bit and also start behaving less kiddish.
i have to start looking within rather than outside and spend more time with myself rather than others.
funny to think how as i grew in age i've started becoming more worldly and materialistic rather than the other way round..
moving from dickens to mills and boons.
from faith to i dont care enough to know.
from a mature individual to one that loves throwing tantrums..
is it because i grew up too fast? that now i need to let the kid in me out?
everyday something or the other happens to make me feel stupid ..
and everyday i try to cover it up by making some one else look stupid.
do i realize how good people are that they still tolerate all this and still remain with me?
i guess i do, but the fact that i realize it is the worse..
but i am unwilling to acknowledge it it..
i myself have reached my life into a position where my life has in itself become a tight rope walk.
trying to please everyone and at the same time getting pleased by everyone.
it has reached a point where silence means void
and words used unthinkingly and meaninglessly try to fill a gap that is ever widening..
tring to grapple with life
trying to make sense
trying to tie all loose ends
but miserably faiing to..
finding joy in small little things
it brings a smile to my face..
but it fades away
way to soon..
that sense of dissatisfaction lingers..
that missing of something intangible..
running behind it
only makes it more unattainable..
like quicksilver
a mirage
or a beautiful dream
something that is just beyond
the grasp of my hand..
which slips through my fingers...
its like a shooting star
but there are a million stars in the sky..
which one do i want..?
i wish
like yesterday,
there was just one...
