Adieu 2012

an year is going by..
what do i see wn i look back?

an year wr i hv gained a lot and lost equally
an year that taught me some of life hard lessons..
an year that is left incomplte..
an year that says, life goes on..

this year i ganed a lot,
friends, wieght, insights, faith
love, hurt, doubts nd much more..
acknowledgements, compliments, surprises..

this year i lost too..
friends, hair, hairclips nd trust
keys, money, peace of mind n time
nd among them all i've lost myself too..

i thank everyone who stood by me during hard times,
i thank all who in their silence accepted my follies..
i thank all those who came back,
those who never questioned..
i thank each one whose little help or a word made my day..

i also apologise if hv hurt anyone in anyway
i hope u understand it is not my intention to hurt people..
its my life's lessons, perceptions nd circumstances tht made me
act the way i did..
or it myt be my nature of flowing wth th current..

nd i also understand, that if u moved away
its ur experiences nd circumstances which made u do so
it myt also be hw u saw my words n actions..
'm not saying it doesnt hurt any
'm learning to accept tht wt i cant change..

the days that are gone,
i understand are gone by..
i wish i cud cherish every moment that was
for wt it was

nd wn i look back, i dont say
i dont hv regrets..
but that doesnt mean,
2012 doesnt bring a smile on my face..

adieu my dear 
u wr a roller coaster..
i know thr is a few hours left,
but u'r not gonna end the world wth u 

walking that road

when love came calling

I warded it off many times..

and when I succumbed,

it is not for one that is my own..

you came to me I know not why
I walked with you knowing full well
that you are not gonna stay
but leave me halfway

heart heavy with grief I smile up at you
under this radiant sunset..

I know I have to let go

it is better you say, for you and me..

I walk for the joy of being at your side
the joy that is momentary
I walk knowing it for sure
that I have to walk back alone...

I walk this road with you
the road that leads nowhere..
I walk knowing the pain
of walking back alone

sense of belonging..

is lost..!!

lost in thoughts..
lost in memories..
lost in herself nd the world around..

at a loss for words..
though words flow like a stream..
lost for a smile..
lost in a fear that grips tight the heart..
fear of loss..

loss of self..
lost to the world..
lost to the people around..

presences..
thoughts..
actions ..
words..

chaos and nothingness..
random words strung together..
trying to find meaning..
for living..
for loving..
for being..
in this mad mad world..

Grey Shades of People

Life brings to us characters. Characters having all shades of grey in them.. We make a mistake when we try to see them only in black and white.. Then the shades of grey go missing or misinterpreted.. Like the guy who speaks American English and acts I don’t care. He tries to put up the image of a so called ‘cool dude’ but underneath is as vulnerable and as confused as anyone else. Or the girl who tries to hide in the intellectual smoke screen which she creates for herself. Who adamantly refuses the fact that she likes to socialise though her eyes sparkle when she gets even a little nod of acceptance..the all bearing all understanding woman who tries to take away or minimize the huge burdens life throws at her by trying to solve and sort out things for others. The girl who gets boggled up trying to figure out life, to prioritise and in the process gets lost half in the conversation.. The girl who so wants everything in her life to go according to time table that she works like a Swiss clock and when things go wrong breakdown and cry herself to sleep like a baby.. the girl who really likes her friend but cannot say so and defiantly denies so due to ‘what will society say’. And the guy who is the same, they go on without naming that which they have between them..

Denial is in some way the best way of survival.. Some go for it while some try to find solace in faith, some in smokes, some in conversation.. from a distance we all seem to have that perfect life atleast for those who view us as people who have achieved something in life. but we all secretly or openly carry our load of burdens. Be it the fact that I’m not good looking or I cant seem to strike a note with people or I am not as good as pple think me to be or my professional side is screwed or I don’t have what that is called a personal life.. We all camouflage, we overcome, we overlook our flaws at the same time trying to be someone, something in front of others. Our grey shades we try to bleach, those who don’t do that end up being judged. In our haste we mix more black rather than white and backfire on our own efforts. But we still move on, we go on.. we misunderstand and get misunderstood.. We try to make up, sometimes genuinely, sometimes just for the sake of it.. we try to fill voids left by people by new people and the hurt left by them by newer ones.. we go alone, we drown in crowds, we apply different tactics.. and life goes on.. to repeat itself, in new circumstances, in new colours..

Melancholy: my name

Melancholy, my name. 
If I need to be named after an emotion, I would choose melancholy. It sounds so sweet to the ear: melan-koli. The word is a beautiful poem, it has music in it, a certain slow soft rhythm. It has beauty in it, written in a flowing cursive hand, with just the right amount of sweetness, sadness, and a pinch of longing perhaps.
Unlike other non-sunny emotions, my melancholy carries no bitterness. Again I won’t call it an emotion, it is rather a disposition passed on from the womb, from mother to child, and if the child is a daughter, then to the next generation until no daughter is born anymore. Perhaps, something that is passed on perhaps to the firstborn daughter, sort of like a legacy.

Melancholy was my mother, in some ways. And was my maternal grandmother. I am my mother’s firstborn. My mother was my grandmother’s first daughter. My grandmother, though the youngest, was the only girl in a family of nine siblings. And beyond that, I do not know. 

a thot of th year gone by

an year goes by

days merging into one another...

months flying by..

marked by bursts of frenzied activity

in an otherwise calm ,

sometimes lethargic existence..

timelines collaging,

memories blurring,

into a comfortably soft hue,

embracing the grey shades of life,

and enjoying it,

sinfully, sensously..

perceptions gaining clarity,

ambitions sprouting wings,

the canvas of dreams getting colours again..

bieng brutaly honest,

tactfully diplomatic,

playing a sort of hide and seek with one's self..

accepting who i am,

delving deeper,

probing..

taking each day as it comes,

thinking too much and too less,

living life without too many regrets..

... :)

Some religious discussions/ my encounter with religion

Religion has been a matter needing urgent attention from me for a long time but ever more so recently. This is not because my religious attitude has undergone any drastic change but because it has started bugging me like a mosquito just out of reach but always buzzing nearby.

Coming to a brief history of my religiosity, one could say that I have gone from strictly religious to moderately religious to non-religious due to exasperation to religious in the karmic sense to doubtful to I gotta find a solution for this problem.

Now don’t get me wrong, I go to church every Sunday, almost. Last month I missed twice, once on the day after my b’day due to high fever from over exertion and second because I was talking to a duffer the previous night and woke up really late. The first reason definitely valid in any court of justice, the second equally invalid in most.

So I have entered a phase of my life where I am developing this irksome habit of trying to understand everything that I or anyone else do. This habit of trying to rationalise every action or thought, in order to find a plausible explanation has me moving away from that what can be termed as ‘blind faith’. But this comes into serious trouble when opposed by an equal and opposite force- my inherent dislike towards thinking too deeply about anything. Because thinking too deep brings out only one reaction, which is, things are the way they are because they are that way. People behave in certain ways because their circumstances or surroundings have moulded them to react or act in that particular way, What might be irrational to me might be perfectly rational to them and so on..