a thot of th year gone by

an year goes by

days merging into one another...

months flying by..

marked by bursts of frenzied activity

in an otherwise calm ,

sometimes lethargic existence..

timelines collaging,

memories blurring,

into a comfortably soft hue,

embracing the grey shades of life,

and enjoying it,

sinfully, sensously..

perceptions gaining clarity,

ambitions sprouting wings,

the canvas of dreams getting colours again..

bieng brutaly honest,

tactfully diplomatic,

playing a sort of hide and seek with one's self..

accepting who i am,

delving deeper,

probing..

taking each day as it comes,

thinking too much and too less,

living life without too many regrets..

... :)

Some religious discussions/ my encounter with religion

Religion has been a matter needing urgent attention from me for a long time but ever more so recently. This is not because my religious attitude has undergone any drastic change but because it has started bugging me like a mosquito just out of reach but always buzzing nearby.

Coming to a brief history of my religiosity, one could say that I have gone from strictly religious to moderately religious to non-religious due to exasperation to religious in the karmic sense to doubtful to I gotta find a solution for this problem.

Now don’t get me wrong, I go to church every Sunday, almost. Last month I missed twice, once on the day after my b’day due to high fever from over exertion and second because I was talking to a duffer the previous night and woke up really late. The first reason definitely valid in any court of justice, the second equally invalid in most.

So I have entered a phase of my life where I am developing this irksome habit of trying to understand everything that I or anyone else do. This habit of trying to rationalise every action or thought, in order to find a plausible explanation has me moving away from that what can be termed as ‘blind faith’. But this comes into serious trouble when opposed by an equal and opposite force- my inherent dislike towards thinking too deeply about anything. Because thinking too deep brings out only one reaction, which is, things are the way they are because they are that way. People behave in certain ways because their circumstances or surroundings have moulded them to react or act in that particular way, What might be irrational to me might be perfectly rational to them and so on..

post birthday post

trying to grapple with life
trying to make sense
trying to tie all loose ends
but miserably failing to..

finding joy in small little things 
it brings a smile to my face..
but it fades away 
way to soon..

that sense of dissatisfaction lingers..
that missing of something intangible..
running behind it 
only makes it more unattainable..

like quicksilver
a mirage
or a beautiful dream 
something that is just beyond 
the grasp of my hand..

which slips through my fingers...
its like a shooting star
but there are a million stars in the sky..
which one do i want..?

i wish 
like yesterday,
there was just one...

still muddled up... :)

24th birthday.

yesterday i turned 24 and i realized that day by day i am turning sourer and sourer.

is it life itself or is it the people around me that is making me this way i do not know. 

the fact is that i am turning more and more into a selfish attention seeker.

being called both Shakuni and also  trickster i wonder if there is any truth in all of it. 

i do realize that i infuriate and irritate and suffocate people but then people do the same to me. 

is it because i am expecting the wrong things from the wrong people or is it because my expectations are generally too high 

or am i so humanly unsatisfiable or is it happening in constant striving to satisfy everybody? i do not know.

i realize that in my life i have reached a point where i need to sober down a bit and also start behaving less kiddish. 

i have to start looking within rather than outside and spend more time with myself rather than others. 

funny to think how as i grew in age i've started becoming more worldly and materialistic rather than the other way round..

moving from dickens to mills and boons.

from faith to i dont care enough to know.

from a mature individual to one that loves throwing tantrums..

is it because i grew up too fast? that now i need to let the kid in me out?

everyday something or the other happens to make me feel stupid ..

and everyday i try to cover it up by making some one else look stupid.

do i realize how good people are that they still tolerate all this and still remain with me?

i guess i do, but the fact that i realize it is the worse..

but i am unwilling to acknowledge it it..

i myself have reached my life into a position where my life has in itself become a tight rope walk.

trying to please everyone and at the same time getting pleased by everyone. 

it has reached a point where silence means void 

and words used unthinkingly and meaninglessly try to fill a gap that is ever widening..

tring to grapple with life

trying to make sense

trying to tie all loose ends

but miserably faiing to..

finding joy in small little things 

it brings a smile to my face..

but it fades away 

way to soon..

that sense of dissatisfaction  lingers..

that missing of something intangible..

running behind it 

only makes it more unattainable..

like quicksilver

a mirage

or a beautiful dream  

something that is just beyond 

the grasp of my hand..

which slips through my fingers...

its like a shooting star

but there are a million stars in the sky..

which one do i want..?

i wish 

like yesterday,

there was just one...

Will i ever crosss that river

I stand on the banks of that river, 
the river that is wild and winding 
I yearn to wade in..

to be soaked skin deep
to feel it in every bone of my body 
to feel the ripples rushing over

but something holds me back
it is just that tides seemed mighty strong..
I was afraid that they may take me along..

into the whirlpools deep within
to places and feelings unknown
forever






I have never crossed that river..
rushing through, takes you places unknown..
to be there..
to be immersed in the music of the ripples..
to be caressed by the water flowing by..
..
I don't know what..
it is not that no one ever gave ma a hand..
it is not that the hand extended was frail..
..

i was not ready to cross the river..
not yet..
not now..

life a stage, a drama..

Life brings to us characters. Characters having all shades of grey in them.. We make a mistake when we try to see them only in black and white.. Then the shades of grey go missing or misinterpreted.. Like the guy who speaks American English and acts I don’t care. He tries to put up the image of a so called ‘cool dude’ but underneath is as vulnerable and as confused as anyone else. Or the girl who tries to hide in the intellectual smoke screen which she creates for herself. Who adamantly refuses the fact that she likes to socialise though her eyes sparkle when she gets even a little nod of acceptance. The grownup guy who seems so laid back in life and acts as if priorities in life are set, but is genuinely mortified by the fact that his girlfriend will demand him to settle down and start of being mature.. the all bearing all understanding woman who tries to take away or minimize the huge burdens life throws at her by trying to solve and sort out things for others. The girl who gets boggled up trying to figure out life, to prioritise and in the process gets lost half in the conversation.. The girl who so wants everything in her life to go according to time table that she works like a Swiss clock and when things go wrong breakdown and cry herself to sleep like a baby.. the girl who really likes her friend but cannot say so and defiantly denies so due to ‘what will society say’. And the guy who is the same, they go on without naming that which they have between them..

Denial is in some way the best way of survival.. Some go for it while some try to find solace in faith, some in smokes, some in conversation.. from a distance we all seem to have that perfect life atleast for those who view us as people who have achieved something in life. but we all secretly or openly carry our load of burdens. Be it the fact that I’m not good looking or I cant seem to strike a note with people or I am not as good as pple think me to be or my professional side is screwed or I don’t have what that is called a personal life.. We all camouflage, we overcome, we overlook our flaws at the same time trying to be someone, something in front of others. Our grey shades we try to bleach, those who don’t do that end up being judged. In our haste we mix more black rather than white and backfire on our own efforts. But we still move on, we go on.. we misunderstand and get misunderstood.. We try to make up, sometimes genuinely, sometimes just for the sake of it.. we try to fill voids left by people by new people and the hurt left by them by newer ones.. we go alone, we drown in crowds, we apply different tactics.. and life goes on.. to repeat itself, in new circumstances, in new colours..

On the brink

This looks and sounds absurd, i know. that is precisely the reason why this mail never reached your inbox . i am keeping this in my drafts so that if something happens to me i want you to know this. but if nothing happens to me then life goes on as it is; a series of dramas and undercurrents and purposefully mis-represented sentiments. the mask lives on. whew, it is difficult to put things in to words especially trying to express emotions that you have always learned to suppress. ok i dont seem like i can go ahead. so let me come to the history of writing this up. i got up today morning all decided to go to Bombay to attend my friend's sister's wedding. I was about to call up the rest of the gang to confirm whether they are going, when I got a call from my mother. She said she had a bad dream where i was in a horrific accident. well, bad timing for a bad dream, now i cant ask her about the trip. but it anyways got me thinking. suddenly the fear of death is so tangible, that i can almost feel it. so i am yet undecided whether to go or not, whether to tell and go or not etc,etc.. that brings me back to the point at hand, what i have this excessive compulsion to tell you..here we go .. deep breath. wow.. this is a mail which will not leave my drafts till my death and i still cant bring myself to tell it. how old school can things be.. i mean a person be? yeah so the point we are revolving around or rather beating around the bush is the fact that, i really really think that yuo are an awesome person! i wont use back space even though all the muscles in my body are screaming 'silly, silly,silly'.. i knowe i haven't said anything mind blowing or substantial.. well it wasn't even what i intended to say.. i may act nasty and rude to you, i always have the 'i dont care' attitude when you are around, its just that i am afraid to show what i really feel for you. i am afraid of rejection and ridicule and not only that, i dont believe myself to be strong enough to go ahead with whatever commitments that will come with saying it out loud. also i am not sure you will stand by the end. but that doesn't take away the fact that a big chunk of everyday of me revolves around you. i know if you ever come across this, it will make you laugh but i also know that it is very evident at times at least for the people around. well, you know what, i cant help it. it just happens. so coming back to the narrative i really crave for you at times, your physical presence. there were times when i wished so desperately that you would just lean in and kiss me, or i could put my head on your shoulder, or get a tight hug.. but then when we see each other, i dont know, where to, all this feelings evaporates. sometimes the smell of your cologne is so enticing, so is the sight of your face. maybe i keep pushing you away because i dont know what will happen if i let you closer. i like to be in control. well, i think i am rambling.. all i want to say is, i wish you had kissed me, i wish there was a warm hug. Guess I wanted, to feel wanted.. i wish you had just pushed it a bit..

do i hav to add, 'ps: i love you'? i dont know because if it was that, would i have cared of consequences?? but i would say, i care for you.. a lot ..