Will i ever crosss that river

I stand on the banks of that river, 
the river that is wild and winding 
I yearn to wade in..

to be soaked skin deep
to feel it in every bone of my body 
to feel the ripples rushing over

but something holds me back
it is just that tides seemed mighty strong..
I was afraid that they may take me along..

into the whirlpools deep within
to places and feelings unknown
forever






I have never crossed that river..
rushing through, takes you places unknown..
to be there..
to be immersed in the music of the ripples..
to be caressed by the water flowing by..
..
I don't know what..
it is not that no one ever gave ma a hand..
it is not that the hand extended was frail..
..

i was not ready to cross the river..
not yet..
not now..

life a stage, a drama..

Life brings to us characters. Characters having all shades of grey in them.. We make a mistake when we try to see them only in black and white.. Then the shades of grey go missing or misinterpreted.. Like the guy who speaks American English and acts I don’t care. He tries to put up the image of a so called ‘cool dude’ but underneath is as vulnerable and as confused as anyone else. Or the girl who tries to hide in the intellectual smoke screen which she creates for herself. Who adamantly refuses the fact that she likes to socialise though her eyes sparkle when she gets even a little nod of acceptance. The grownup guy who seems so laid back in life and acts as if priorities in life are set, but is genuinely mortified by the fact that his girlfriend will demand him to settle down and start of being mature.. the all bearing all understanding woman who tries to take away or minimize the huge burdens life throws at her by trying to solve and sort out things for others. The girl who gets boggled up trying to figure out life, to prioritise and in the process gets lost half in the conversation.. The girl who so wants everything in her life to go according to time table that she works like a Swiss clock and when things go wrong breakdown and cry herself to sleep like a baby.. the girl who really likes her friend but cannot say so and defiantly denies so due to ‘what will society say’. And the guy who is the same, they go on without naming that which they have between them..

Denial is in some way the best way of survival.. Some go for it while some try to find solace in faith, some in smokes, some in conversation.. from a distance we all seem to have that perfect life atleast for those who view us as people who have achieved something in life. but we all secretly or openly carry our load of burdens. Be it the fact that I’m not good looking or I cant seem to strike a note with people or I am not as good as pple think me to be or my professional side is screwed or I don’t have what that is called a personal life.. We all camouflage, we overcome, we overlook our flaws at the same time trying to be someone, something in front of others. Our grey shades we try to bleach, those who don’t do that end up being judged. In our haste we mix more black rather than white and backfire on our own efforts. But we still move on, we go on.. we misunderstand and get misunderstood.. We try to make up, sometimes genuinely, sometimes just for the sake of it.. we try to fill voids left by people by new people and the hurt left by them by newer ones.. we go alone, we drown in crowds, we apply different tactics.. and life goes on.. to repeat itself, in new circumstances, in new colours..

On the brink

This looks and sounds absurd, i know. that is precisely the reason why this mail never reached your inbox . i am keeping this in my drafts so that if something happens to me i want you to know this. but if nothing happens to me then life goes on as it is; a series of dramas and undercurrents and purposefully mis-represented sentiments. the mask lives on. whew, it is difficult to put things in to words especially trying to express emotions that you have always learned to suppress. ok i dont seem like i can go ahead. so let me come to the history of writing this up. i got up today morning all decided to go to Bombay to attend my friend's sister's wedding. I was about to call up the rest of the gang to confirm whether they are going, when I got a call from my mother. She said she had a bad dream where i was in a horrific accident. well, bad timing for a bad dream, now i cant ask her about the trip. but it anyways got me thinking. suddenly the fear of death is so tangible, that i can almost feel it. so i am yet undecided whether to go or not, whether to tell and go or not etc,etc.. that brings me back to the point at hand, what i have this excessive compulsion to tell you..here we go .. deep breath. wow.. this is a mail which will not leave my drafts till my death and i still cant bring myself to tell it. how old school can things be.. i mean a person be? yeah so the point we are revolving around or rather beating around the bush is the fact that, i really really think that yuo are an awesome person! i wont use back space even though all the muscles in my body are screaming 'silly, silly,silly'.. i knowe i haven't said anything mind blowing or substantial.. well it wasn't even what i intended to say.. i may act nasty and rude to you, i always have the 'i dont care' attitude when you are around, its just that i am afraid to show what i really feel for you. i am afraid of rejection and ridicule and not only that, i dont believe myself to be strong enough to go ahead with whatever commitments that will come with saying it out loud. also i am not sure you will stand by the end. but that doesn't take away the fact that a big chunk of everyday of me revolves around you. i know if you ever come across this, it will make you laugh but i also know that it is very evident at times at least for the people around. well, you know what, i cant help it. it just happens. so coming back to the narrative i really crave for you at times, your physical presence. there were times when i wished so desperately that you would just lean in and kiss me, or i could put my head on your shoulder, or get a tight hug.. but then when we see each other, i dont know, where to, all this feelings evaporates. sometimes the smell of your cologne is so enticing, so is the sight of your face. maybe i keep pushing you away because i dont know what will happen if i let you closer. i like to be in control. well, i think i am rambling.. all i want to say is, i wish you had kissed me, i wish there was a warm hug. Guess I wanted, to feel wanted.. i wish you had just pushed it a bit..

do i hav to add, 'ps: i love you'? i dont know because if it was that, would i have cared of consequences?? but i would say, i care for you.. a lot ..

ഒരു പ്രണയ കാവ്യം..
A Love Poem

പ്രണയിക്കുവാന്‍  ഞാന്‍ മറന്നു പോയി..
പോയ കാലങ്ങളില്‍..
മനസ്സിനോട് ഞാന്‍ മന്ത്രിച്ചു..
ഇതൊന്നും വേണ്ട ..
എല്ലാം വെറുതെ...

ഇന്ന് ഞാന്‍ തിരിഞ്ഞു നോക്കുമ്പോള്‍..
കാണുന്നത്  ഒരു പിടി ഓര്‍മകള്‍ മാത്രം..
ഒരു മരവിപ്പോടെ ഞാന്‍ ഓര്‍ക്കുന്നു..
എല്ലാം എന്തിനായിരുന്നു??

എന്തിനു ഞാന്‍ എന്നെ തന്നെ മറന്നു കളഞ്ഞു?
എന്ത് കൊണ്ട് ഞാന്‍ ആരെയും പ്രണയിച്ചില്ല??
പ്രണയിച്ചവരെ ഞാന്‍ അകറ്റി നിര്‍ത്തി ..
പ്രണയത്തെ നോക്കി, ഒരു നിസന്ഗതയോടെ  ..

പ്രണയിനി അല്ല, സുഹൃത്തായി..
ഒരൂ കൈ ദൂരം നിന്നു ഞാന്‍ ..
പ്രണയിച്ചു..
പലരെയും..
പ്രണയിക്കുന്നു..
ഇപ്പോഴും...

Muffled Voices

It isn't the voice of the dead,
But that of an even more pathetic breed.
No, it isn't coming from Mars,
Nor from your favourite stars.

They are much near to us,
Rather too uncomfortably near.

They accompany an outstretched hand,
As silently pleading yearning eyes,
In that feeble voice,
Is it a child, a woman or a man?
Refugee, Immigrant, or someone just displaced?

They are much near to us,
Rather too uncomfortably near.

In the periphery..

I centre my life,

Around the periphery of others’..

The peripheries surrounding me

makes it look like I am the centre..

but when people start drawing borders..

the peripheries don’t exist anymore..

one by one they vanish away..

leaving me standing..

right at the centre

all alone.

when i think of you..

Baby when you say that out,

You should know how I feel about

When your fingers brush

against my face,

When I feel the caress

My heart skips a beat

It makes me smile inside..

The laugh in your eyes

When you look at me..

The crooked smile

That is so you

Baby you make me tick

You drive me crazy..

I wish you would hold my hand

I wish we could be alone

I wish we saw it when we had it

I wish we could go back and start over again

Yeah that moment of magic is gone,

That spark has died away..

It is just longing that is left

The fond memories of yesterday..

Baby I know its just a dream,

A dream that is far away…